1 How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?
I was in a car accident on Thursday. And it wasn't serious, but it looked so for a few moments. I said to the police officer "I've never been that frightened". But, that wasn't true. I have been that frightened and more so. Fear has a taste, a smell. It left me unable to regulate my own body temperature, and I would shiver. My hearing got worse, left alone with fear. I was at the end of a dark place, and my eyes could not adjust to bright light.
Fear is a constant companion. I am anxious about everything. Anything. Things that make no sense. But I cannot say that the fear makes no sense. I can't say that the unexpected, the rare never happens. And I struggle, to live a life not ruled by fear.
2 Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life? In what way?
I wear his bracelet on my wrist, his urn is in my kitchen, his photo in my living room, his tree in the garden and his name on some of our friends lips. He is with me when I wake up, he is the last thing I think of before sleep each night.
3 Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported.
We had friends that invited us over shortly after Gabriel's death. They sat and listened me tell me the story of his birth. We shared the joy and sorrow of his birth. They walked into a dark and painful place, and abided with us. They allowed themselves to walk into the wonder and horror of his birth and death. The same friends send us both a bereavement and a congratulations card. They wanted to acknowledge that he was born, and then he died.
A classmate of mine, when he found out Gabriel had died, said "Oh fuck, I'm so sorry. You wanted that baby so much. I'm so sorry he's gone."
4 Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.
While I was still in the hospital, less than 24 hours after Gabriel died, we had friends show up to the hospital, with their very small children. We had asked for no visitors, and they showed up with their children. I still cannot comprehend this level of cruelty. I still cannot comprehend how you could not understand the mean-ness, the atrocity of this action. Did they truly think that we needed a reminder of everything we had lost? Did they really think we would forget our son, that they needed to show up with their healthy living children, and provide so visible a reminder. Did they need to take our pain and sorrow, and revel in it, by making it worse?
5 What's taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?
Spend time in large groups. I have done it, but I was an extroverted introvert before. I have never really liked large groups, and I really hate them now. There is too much going on, to much activity, to much energy required of me. I want to sit quietly, to be able to gather my thoughts, to be able to hear them in my mind.
6 How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?
Before we were a married couple. Now, we are a team. We are so aware of how much we need each other.
