God of the Clothing Universe

Dear God of the Clothing Universe:

I'd like to say, I'm not so sure about the underwear thing. I try to be frugal, so I wore my non-pregnant underwear into my pregnancy. I'd like you to know, maternity underwear is ugly, and uncomfortable, and not at all made of natural fibers. So, I didn't purchase it. I wore what I had. And I wasn't that pregnant. We aren't talking watermelon here - maybe large cantaloupe. So, it would seem unreasonable that the elastic should fail.

It would seem particularly unreasonable that it should fail while I am walking to get a latte in a shopping mall. And it would seem that it is completely unfair to be walking and thinking, oh God, my underwear is falling down. Crap. I can't grab it. I'm in public. I can't do anything. Great, it's still falling, Ok, it is now at the same level as my crotch. Uh huh. My but is not small, so why couldn't it hold it up. For that matter, my hips? They are curvy. Are you really telling me that they aren't large enough to hold up elastic? So, the only thing holding my underwear in place, as it has fallen down, and has long since said "arrividerci", "sayonara", "adios" to my waist, is my pants. Which are a size 18. And I'm not a size 18 any longer. I'm smaller, but I couldn't find a belt this morning, and my belt loop broke. So, I'm not so sure about those either.

Why are these people talking to me? Don't they know I'm in a crisis. I am praying here. Oh, when are we going to get back to the office. Can anyone see that there is a bunch around my nether regions? Are they wondering - "What is up with her ass?". This is uncomfortable, and feels strange, and I am. Not. Happy. And I'm wondering, those dreams, where you are naked in public, is it really so bad? It is, isn't it. We won't talk about the stretch marks. Or the need to shave.

So, God of the Clothing Universe - the only reason I am talking to you at all any more - this morning, when I looked out the window, and was thinking of wearing a skirt, you said "Wear the Pants".

This is a bit of re post, if only because the underwear that fell down, I forgot to throw them out, so here I am again.