I have never been particularly good at transitions. Some women, some women I've met, they go from 0 to 60 with ease, and then they go from 120 to 0 with equal ease. In other words, they move from crisis mode to normal mode and back without batting an eyelash. They transition from role to role, from time to time, from speed to speed, with ease.

Me, I'm not so good at that. I shudder, lurch, trip and stumble into another speed. I am a car with a badly adjusted transmission. Stopping before the red light, but just barely. In early November, after 3 weeks of working stupid hours at work and at home, I was at a loss. There was nothing on my to do list. It seemed I had no purpose, no meaning. I spent a Saturday, doing more or less nothing, but feeling like I should, I ought, I must, be frantically busy.

Perhaps my struggle with transitions stems from a seeming inability to be kind to myself -My ridiculous expectations of myself, that I will be busy and smart and organized and kind and merciful, with a clean house, home cooked meals, 15 well behaved children and a dog that doesn't eat chocolate.

That song from Annie - "The sun will come up tomorrow", isn't it all about what we already know? The sun will come up tomorrow. How do I want to deal with it? After the decisions are made, the die is cast, what do you do next? When the next steps aren't clear, when the pace of life changes suddenly, abruptly, what do you do? How do you keep from stumbling? Adjust the cadence of your steps? How do you learn this? Who teaches it?

And life, it seems like it is all about transitions. Growing up, changing, moving, getting married, having babies, getting old, we are constantly in transition. Each day is a transition, as I accept that what's done is done, and about all I can do is try harder the next day.

But I wonder, I have lived the last year in huge transitions, not quite a mother, not quite barren, seeming too full of grief, then feeling like I should be over it - I never seem to be where I should be, when others expect me there. I never seem to be where I expect me to be.

And I am thinking about transitions as we move into the new year.

And I wonder, will transitions always be like this?

Are any of you any better?