Perhaps because I have been so consumed with the thought of the first anniversary of Gabriel's birth and death, perhaps because the year seems to have moved so quickly, and yet so slowly.

Was it not just yesterday that I held my son in my arms? The moment seems so close, but the calendar pages, they tell me that so much time has passed. Was it not just a short while ago, when Mr. Spit and I were shattered? I saw a woman in our support group, and her grief and pain and sorrow were so palpable, that I could not seem to figure out how we could have ever been that lost. I cannot imagine what other's must have thought. I cannot fathom what it must have been like to know us. I can see time has passed, I can see we are better.

I was in Costco a month ago. I walked into an aisle, taking a wrong turn. And I walked into this aisle, and there were toys. Baby toys. Things I would have been buying for Gabriel.

Suddenly, without warning, leaving me gasping, breathless, I realized. After Gabriel's day, after that, comes Christmas.