One Act Critter Play

The Scene: The kitchen.

The Players:
Delta the extremely large and not very smart female English mastiff.

Maggie the much smaller but far too smart for her own good generic brown mutt.

Toby the very large and very shy cat that intensely dislikes dogs. All dogs. Any kind of dogs. Anything with a whiff of Canine about them.

Koda the smaller black cat that has the widest range of vocalizations in any cat known to man. He's also curious.

[Cat enters Stage left. Saunters in the door way. Looks for dogs. Lays down centre stage and begins grooming self in intimate place.]

Koda: La la la. Trill trill trill. I am as happy as a cat can be. There is a human in the room. She is talking to me.

[Koda gets up and brushes against the human's leg, purring]

Koda: Life is very good for a cat.
Toby?
Oh, Toby.
You should come in here. This is a really great place to be.

Toby: Are you sure? Really sure? I'm not sure. It's not always safe. There are
[cue ominous sounding music]
dogs sometimes.

Koda: No, it's safe. You are such a scaredy cat.

[Cut ominous music. Toby wanders in the kitchen]

Toby: Oh yes, this is such a nice place to be. Warm and comfortable, with lots of food, especially wet food. This is a bountiful house. Why, they didn't even mind when I peed on her suits in the closet.

[human looks surprised and makes note to go and check closet.]

Koda and Toby: Oh, we love you human. See. Purr, purr, purr.

[Sound from distance, rather like dog kennel being unlatched]

Human 2 Voice: Hon, I'm letting the girls out. . . .

[Sound of dog feet pounding down the stairs. Dogs skid to a stop at the entrance to the kitchen]

Maggie and Delta: Oh no, not the cats! They don't like us. We want to go in the kitchen. We want to be with mummy. Oh no, not the cats. They don't like us.

Koda and Toby: Oh no, not the dogs. We don't like the dogs. They want to come in the kitchen. We like the kitchen with just the human in it. Oh no, not the dogs. We don't like them.

[Stand off. Maggie inches forward. Toby inches back. Maggie inches forward. SUDDENLY Delta lunges. Cats move in 15 directions at once. Dogs lunge forward. Dogs move in 20 directions at once.]

Toby and Koda: Craaaaaaap

Maggie and Delta: Chaaaaarge

[Sounds of growling, hissing, spitting, barking and crashing. Curtain drops on scene]

Human 2: Wow hon, they really seem to be making friends, don't they. Why, any day now they'll be sleeping together. I can see it.

Human 1: Be quiet and help me detach this cat from my body.

[Cat growl fades into distance]