The Green Suit

I wondered, as I purchased a suit for Gabe's funeral, if I would always remember the suit and why I bought it. It was a completely ridiculous purchase, bought to fit the immediately post pregnant and still swollen me, I actually didn't need as large of a size as I bought, but I bought it a size larger than usual, perhaps as if to hide myself in it. Certainly I felt very small during those days.

I wear suits to work every day. It's just a thing with me. I have worn the suit several times since then (but, alas, it is getting too large), and it has become just a suit. The third navy blue suit, the one I wear with either the navy Ann Klein sling backs, or the Steve Madden navy pumps with the kitten heel.

This morning was bright and sunny, and even in the shadiest parts of my yard, there is no snow left. I grabbed the green suit, and threw it on the bed. I located the yellow shell I usually wear with it, and thought again that I need to purchase a few more summer-y suits.

And then I stopped. Because I remember the last time I wore this suit. Vividly. I was 9 weeks pregnant, and trying to get things organized to see a midwife. The only hiccup was a mild heart murmur I have had for every single day of my life. But, people were anxious. So, I went off to have an echo cardiogram (ultrasound of the heart) done. I flew out of the office, having been fortunate enough to get an ultrasound appointment that day. I was trying to get my ducks in a row to see the midwife that weekend. With results in hand. She was the only midwife taking clients, and I didn't want to give her any reason to refuse me. I wanted to be as easy and appealing as possible.

I remember being in the small changing room, and finally being able to breathe as I undid the button on my pants and dropped the zipper. I was frustrated when the tech told me I would have to leave my pants on. "But I like breathing, dammit". In a few more weeks (just slightly before the 12 week mark, I was in maternity clothes.)

I am back with the song lyrics in my head. I remembered listening to this song, entranced. It was right after Mr. Spit and I got engaged. His cd collection moved in before he did, and I found the Don McLean album. I was looking for American Pie, but I found this instead.

I was entranced. I had never heard anything so sweet and sad. I had never before understood that depth of emotion. But, I was ever aware that I didn't understand the longing in the song. The depth of the wanting, waiting, watching that the lyrics spoke of.

By the waters
The waters
Of Babylon.

We lay down and wept
And wept
For thee Zion.

We remember
We remember
We remember
Thee Zion

I understand now.