Now I know in part. . . .

All major life experiences changes us. To follow up on my post of yesterday, we often develop our lives into before and after - Before this job, before I got my university degree, before I was married, before my divorce. . . .

There is a before and after in my life. Today was another marker of that - it was supposed to be my last project management class; my last official "work" thing before going off to have my baby. My last "on call" day. Adjustments are the strangest things. I have so few answers and so many more questions. So many questions I don't even know all of them.

Life is much greyer now. DH and I were talking today about grief and anger. I reflected that I am much less able to flex, roll withe punches. I can't find something, something doesn't work, plans change at the last moment, and I have a hard time coping. I'm like a violin string turned a half turn too tight. Strum to hard and there's an explosion.

Part of this anger stems from injustice of the universe. Not God, but that I live in a universe where things are patently unfair. As the perinatologist was telling us that Gabriel would have to be born, there was a mother across the way from us. No prenatal care, no prenatal vitamins, didn't really know how pregnant she was, she had been drinking and smoking. All I could think was "what the hell - I didn't even take Tylenol".

I was talking to someone at work - her niece lost a babe recently, at about 20 weeks. It seemed like I should be able to provide better advice, more information, more comfort. I couldn't think of much, mostly just to say "there's life afterwards". This is an anguish so deep and so wide there are no words to describe it.

I am perplexed at people who say "God must have needed Gabriel home", or "It just wasn't his time." I'm perplexed at a a view of God who is so callous as to take a much loved, much wanted baby. I'm perplexed that the "universe" decided to let me get pregnant, feel my son move, be delirious with joy at this pregnancy, and then would decide "whoopsy. wrong time. big mistake. we'll just take the child back now. Sorry for the inconvenience".

But I know, I must have said these stupid, foolish, unthinking things to grieving people. So, back to the topic at hand - I'm different now. One of the ways is this - silence and compassion. I don't have all the answers. Not even sure that I always know the questions.

As a Christian what I need to know has been distilled to very little - you could say almost nothing - God is God, and I am not.

That's all. Seems like it should be deeper, or more profound, or have more depth. I understand how the crowds in Ford Prefect's universe felt when the computer deep thought said the answer to life, the universe and everything was 42. You do wonder - what was the question?

PS - for the non bible readers - the title is taken from 1 Corinthians 13:12 - "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

I suppose, and this is the part that matters, this is good. Certainly it makes debating practical philosophy more interesting. Enough for now, I'll get into the abortion debate later. ('cause that's never controversial!)