Just in case you were wondering, there is absolutely NO circumstance under which it would ever be acceptable to ask for cash in lieu of gifts at your wedding. None. Don't even write to me asking about it.
The very height of rudeness.
Showing posts with label Etiquette. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Etiquette. Show all posts
The Etiquette Lady
Has a dreadful head cold. She will return next week.
In the interim, cover your mouth when you cough, tidy up your used tissues and STAY HOME if you are sick.
that's all dear readers.
In the interim, cover your mouth when you cough, tidy up your used tissues and STAY HOME if you are sick.
that's all dear readers.
The Etiquette Lady
Homework:
Your homework was to report back on dealing with rude comments. Truly, you all did badly. No one seemed to answer! Really, enough dear readers. Do your homework!
This Week's Lesson - Rude Conversations
It continually astounds me, the sorts of things that people will discuss in public. Truly, dear readers, do you think that those around you want to know the ins and outs of your marriage, or your body? Honestly, enough.
But, that's not quite the point of this column. I was recently at a lunch with a group of colleagues, and I found myself wanting to crawl under the table. I'm not even sure I want to write about what they were talking about. In fact, I don't. Sufficed to say it involved matters best left behind a closed bedroom door.
Perhaps I'm a prude, perhaps merely respectful of what should stay between husband and wife. I'm not sure. Whatever I am, a crowded restaurant is not the appropriate time or place to discuss this part of your relationship.
An uncomfortable conversation may be conversation that you think is inappropriate to time or place, it may be overly personal, it may be racially charged. Whatever it is, the point of uncomfortable conversation is that it makes you feel uncomfortable. Here are some suggestions for getting yourself out of the conversation.
Decide When to Stand Up
Perhaps it's just me, but I won't sit silently through conversations that insult people. I won't stand by when someone insults an ethnicity, a gender, a type of disability. This doesn't mean that I will stand up and have a rant, but I find a comment like "I find it offensive to call a person from the Middle East a Paki. Please don't use that term in front of me." to be quite effective. You would be surprised how often this silences their comments.
Obviously those of us in the IF/Dead Baby world are aware of an entire series of comments about those subjects that cut to the quick. I think those are worth an entire column of their own.
Change the Subject
Interject at a pause, somewhat firmly, and ask about the local sports teams, the weather, really anything. All you need to do is change the subject. You might have to do this twice. Sometimes it can even be effective to look up and smile and say, "Ok Kelly, that's enough about you, let's talk about Fred now. Did you hear that he recently held a poetry reading. Fred, why don't you tell us about it?"
Make a comment about the subject being discussed
Try to inject a bit of humour - "oh my tender ears", or "my, that's a mental picture I don't need." Don't be mean, but do be a bit firm. If the conversation is particularly sexually charged or scatological or blue, and their are small ones around, it's perfectly acceptable to say "Please, not in front of the children, that's a conversation I don't want to have with them."
Leave the conversation
Can you excuse yourself from the conversation? Move to the other end of the room, the table? All you need to do is politely excuse yourself? "Oh, I think Susan in the corner needs to speak to me." or, "Oh, I must go and ask Dawn about her recent Nobel Prize. Please excuse me."
If you are the hostess
And you over hear an inappropriate conversation, you need to speak up. It's not ok to let it pass. Your job is to make all of your guests feel comfortable. All of them. That means you do not allow one guest to ruin your event.
"Oh Helen, let's not talk about that, I wouldn't want to upset Aunt Myrgatoyd."
Your Homework:
Dear Readers, do try this week. Your homework has nothing to do with this topic. Your assignment is to sit down at a table with your family and friends, and eat a meal, with all the correct silverware. Report back.
Your homework was to report back on dealing with rude comments. Truly, you all did badly. No one seemed to answer! Really, enough dear readers. Do your homework!
This Week's Lesson - Rude Conversations
It continually astounds me, the sorts of things that people will discuss in public. Truly, dear readers, do you think that those around you want to know the ins and outs of your marriage, or your body? Honestly, enough.
But, that's not quite the point of this column. I was recently at a lunch with a group of colleagues, and I found myself wanting to crawl under the table. I'm not even sure I want to write about what they were talking about. In fact, I don't. Sufficed to say it involved matters best left behind a closed bedroom door.
Perhaps I'm a prude, perhaps merely respectful of what should stay between husband and wife. I'm not sure. Whatever I am, a crowded restaurant is not the appropriate time or place to discuss this part of your relationship.
An uncomfortable conversation may be conversation that you think is inappropriate to time or place, it may be overly personal, it may be racially charged. Whatever it is, the point of uncomfortable conversation is that it makes you feel uncomfortable. Here are some suggestions for getting yourself out of the conversation.
Decide When to Stand Up
Perhaps it's just me, but I won't sit silently through conversations that insult people. I won't stand by when someone insults an ethnicity, a gender, a type of disability. This doesn't mean that I will stand up and have a rant, but I find a comment like "I find it offensive to call a person from the Middle East a Paki. Please don't use that term in front of me." to be quite effective. You would be surprised how often this silences their comments.
Obviously those of us in the IF/Dead Baby world are aware of an entire series of comments about those subjects that cut to the quick. I think those are worth an entire column of their own.
Change the Subject
Interject at a pause, somewhat firmly, and ask about the local sports teams, the weather, really anything. All you need to do is change the subject. You might have to do this twice. Sometimes it can even be effective to look up and smile and say, "Ok Kelly, that's enough about you, let's talk about Fred now. Did you hear that he recently held a poetry reading. Fred, why don't you tell us about it?"
Make a comment about the subject being discussed
Try to inject a bit of humour - "oh my tender ears", or "my, that's a mental picture I don't need." Don't be mean, but do be a bit firm. If the conversation is particularly sexually charged or scatological or blue, and their are small ones around, it's perfectly acceptable to say "Please, not in front of the children, that's a conversation I don't want to have with them."
Leave the conversation
Can you excuse yourself from the conversation? Move to the other end of the room, the table? All you need to do is politely excuse yourself? "Oh, I think Susan in the corner needs to speak to me." or, "Oh, I must go and ask Dawn about her recent Nobel Prize. Please excuse me."
If you are the hostess
And you over hear an inappropriate conversation, you need to speak up. It's not ok to let it pass. Your job is to make all of your guests feel comfortable. All of them. That means you do not allow one guest to ruin your event.
"Oh Helen, let's not talk about that, I wouldn't want to upset Aunt Myrgatoyd."
Your Homework:
Dear Readers, do try this week. Your homework has nothing to do with this topic. Your assignment is to sit down at a table with your family and friends, and eat a meal, with all the correct silverware. Report back.
The Etiquette Lady Takes on April Fools Day
Homework:
Your homework from last week was to try Mrs. Spit's patented personal question strategy? How did you do? Buttons to those who tried it. I'd love to hear your results in the comments.
This Week:
As some of you may have noticed, today is April Fools. (And for what it's worth, the inside of your monitor is not building up negative ions and experiencing micro-etching, but the pug is really cute).
I thought it might be worth it to be tackle April Fools, given the day. Accordingly, here are the etiquette lady rules for a polite celebration of April Fools.
Your homework from last week was to try Mrs. Spit's patented personal question strategy? How did you do? Buttons to those who tried it. I'd love to hear your results in the comments.
This Week:
As some of you may have noticed, today is April Fools. (And for what it's worth, the inside of your monitor is not building up negative ions and experiencing micro-etching, but the pug is really cute).
I thought it might be worth it to be tackle April Fools, given the day. Accordingly, here are the etiquette lady rules for a polite celebration of April Fools.
Rule Number 1: Know When it Ends.
Celebration of April Fools ends at 12:00 p.m. No more jokes after this. While you may allow any "unsprung" jokes to play out, no new jokes. And for pity's sakes, if they haven't been sprung by the end of the day, spring them yourself. What's funny on the morning of April 1, isn't funny on April 15.
Rule 2: Maintain People's Dignity and Property.
Obviously a joke is made at the expense of someone. That's fine. But, jokes about race or colour or gender or physical ability aren't funny. They're bigoted and intolerant. Jokes that destroy property that is not your own are not funny. Jokes that poke at a sensitive spot or person are in poor taste. Consider the affect on the person as much as the humour, and judge accordingly. If in doubt, consult a good friend. Consider all the angles.
Rule 3: Be a Good Sport
Let's face it, you know what the day is, even if you forgot and left yourself open. If you really don't like the day, warn people well in advance. Consider staying home.
Obviously, at some point, someone is going to pull a prank on you. Laugh at it. Consider it a bit of an honour - obviously someone was thinking of you. Enjoy the cleverness of the prank, even though you are it's victim. Be a good sport.
Rule 4: Plan Well
I'm not sure what's worse, a bad sport, or a joke that doesn't play out correctly. If you are going to plan a joke, plan it well, and remember what my father used to say - KISS, Keep it Simple, Stupid.
Next Week:
How to get yourself gracefully out of a rude conversation.
The Etiquette Lady
Dear Heavens Readers,I have, in my personal life, been besieged with questions about what to do with people who make annoying, inappropriate personal comments.
From my poor niece who was accosted by a woman who suggested that she and her husband should "get busy" they had been married too long with no children. (Unfortunately, this woman had no idea about the 4 babies lost, who should be with us and are not.), to the friend who had to answer questions about who the flowers were from, to a colleague who was asked about why she chose to leave her job to grow vegetables.
Enough!
The Problem:
Here's the thing about personal comments. As near as I can figure, personal comments are made simply because the person making them has not got the brains that God gave sheep. The thing about making personal remarks is that the person making them is either utterly unaware of how rude they are, or they simply don't care.
We need to act with grace, whatever the rude personal tendencies of the person who is interrogating us. I suppose this means that we can't simply screech at the person who asks us stupid questions. But, and it is an important but, being gracious does not mean acquiescence. Being kind and polite is not the same as being a doormat.
Therefore, here is the etiquette lady's three-fold solution to rude personal comments.
Step 1: Look.
Please, everyone go and introduce yourself to a librarian, an old-fashioned school teacher or a Catholic sister. Observe their look. Perfect it. Most importantly - use it.
Stupid Questioner: "Mrs. Spit, are you too selfish to have children?"(1)
Mrs. Spit: Look.
Step 2: Take a deep breath. Then reply.
Do not get angry. There's really no point. Smile disarmingly, and say "That's a very personal question" or "My word, what a [blank] thing to say". Nothing more. Don't sermonize, don't insist.
"Mrs. Spit, those are the ugliest shoes I have ever seen."
Look.
"My word, what an unkind thing to say."
Step 3: Walk away
Now, you have given them the look, you have identified that the remark was inappropriate and hurtful or overly personal thing to say, walk away so you leave with your dignity intact. There's no point in having the last word. It's not going to be the last word.
It took me a long, long time to learn what my FIL had been telling me most of my life - when you argue with a pig, you both get dirty, but the pig likes it. Why, dear reader, would you argue over something that is simply going to make you feel bad. Why do it? You might feel better for a bit, but frankly, in the end, you are going to feel as bad as the person who made the remark likely doesn't feel. You can't fight rudeness and insensitivity. You can call it what it is, and then move on. You can't make another person feel remorse, that's up to them. Keep arguing and all you are going to do is make yourself look like an undignified banshee.
Your Homework:
Try this once next week, and let us know how it goes.
******
(1) Why yes, this was a real question I was asked.
I'm a Lady and So are You
Well, today's etiquette column is a bit of a reverse.
Here's the quandry:
You receive notification via Face Book that your boss has requested to add you to her Friend list. Do you confirm or ignore? Why?
What do you think of this? (Why yes, this is a real dilemma in my life, why do you ask?)
Your Homework
Answers in the comments below. Be sure to put up the button if you answer.
I'm a Lady and So are You
The etiquette lady is steamed. She is put-out, frustrated and dismayed. She is horrified. She was standing in line, waiting to order her to-go cheesecake, and there were these bright young things (BYT), coming into the restaurant.They had, clearly, in the words of Great Big Sea, "spent 3 hours on their hair". These BYT were lovely looking creatures, although, I must confess, their dates must have come early, as they didn't seem to have finished putting on all of their clothes. One young woman in particular managed to put on her belt (extra wide), but was clearly rushed out the door before finishing her outfit with a skirt or pants. How unfortunate that her partner was so unconcerned with her modesty.
Irregardless of her clothing state, it was nothing but cheek that these young men waltzed into a restaurant at 8pm on a Saturday - Valentine's Day, and had no reservations.
Good heavens! Who taught these young men to date? Who taught these young women to put up with this sort of nonsense? (The young women missing clothes below her waist gets a by, I'm assuming that so much of her blood was required to keep her legs warm that her brain might have been a bit slow that night).
But, enough! I am horrified. Horrified!
Let us review the responsibilities of a host, at a restaurant.
1. You pay.
If you invite someone to a restaurant, you must pay for their meal. Full stop.
And yes, dear reader, if you invite a number of friends to a restaurant for a meal, to celebrate your birthday, or an anniversary, you pay for their meals. Can't afford this? I'd suggest you scale back your plans.
There is, perhaps, a bit of leeway for the set of couples that meet every so often for a meal, where each couple pays for their meal, or for a set of contemporaries, who meet for lunch, but generally speaking, if you are inviting someone to a restaurant, you are paying for their meal. After all, I presume that you do not invite someone to your home and expect to have them cook their own meal.
2. You organize.
This means making a reservation. Yes, you must. You cannot expect your guests to sit and wait 50 minutes for your table. This will limit the places you can attend - to the best of my knowledge Arby's doesn't take reservations.
Organization also means that you provide a complete address, a phone number, and parking information. Your cell phone as well. And readers? A complete address is not a random description that it's by City Hall.
You arrive early, handling payment (below) ensuring that you have instructed the waiter on the number of people who are attending, and that the table location is to your liking. Know where the washrooms are, where to hang winter clothing.
3. You select appropriately
Why on earth to people persist in attempting to invite Mrs. Spit out for sushi? Mrs. Spit doesn't do raw fish. She just doesn't. And the entire experience is not wonderful, and she doesn't like it, and frankly, she can think of a million places she'd rather be.
Learn from this, dear reader. Unless the person has expressed an explicit wish to feast on the flesh of an uncooked flounder, stick to more contemporary fare. Pick a restaurant that has a wide assortment of options. You know, something for everyone.
4. You are still the host.
You should wait for your party to arrive, to be seated. You should have already scouted out the table, making sure that things look right and that you know where the bathrooms are. Listen to the specials.
If you are seated when some of your party arrives, get up, welcome them. Take their jackets from them, help them get seated. Know what the specials are, what the house specialty is. If you are ordering a bottle of wine, then you choose it (with some consultation from the table). The waiter or Sommeliere will bring you the bottle, decant it in front of you, and offer you the cork to sniff, and a small portion of the wine in a glass. You are checking to see if the cork is in good shape, and the wine tastes like you thought it would. Mrs. Spit is not a wine expert. Ask the head waiter, or the wine steward for their recommendation.
5. Handling Payment
If you don't handle this correctly, this is a terribly awkward place in the meal. Be gracious. Arrive a few minutes ahead of your guests, hand off your credit card, and instruct the Maitre'd or the head waiter that you will stop by to retrieve the card and sign your bill at the end of the evening. The bill doesn't arrive at your table. If someone questions you, smile and say "thank you for being my guest."
And hopefully I don't need to remind you, you are the last person to leave that evening. And when you are handling payment? Leave a 20% minimum tip. Waiting on a large group is a hard thing, and your server deserves some credit. And none of this ridiculous "I tip on the service" business. Your server was prevented from taking care of other tables, as the result of your large table. Compensate them for this.
Your Homework:
Tell us the story of your worst date!
I'm a lady, and so are you
Today's post is not so much about the etiquette, but it is. At least, I think so. Just not the way we think it is. I don't know. Read on and see.
I've been told that if someone is a "nice person" and treats a waiter badly, they aren't a nice person. I'm inclined to agree. When we treat others with courtesy, it's because of how we think about others. If we think that all people deserve basic courtesy and respect, we strive to treat everyone that way. Our partner, our children, our co-workers, and the retail staff we deal with. It's not about how we appear to others, or even really about the sorts of people we want to be. How we treat others is predicated on what we think the basic rights of other people are.
I would tell you that I believe that all people are worthy of dignity and respect, of courtesy. All people should be acknowledged and treated with kindness.
So, I was thinking one day, and I realized: I wouldn't dream of ignoring Mr. Spit when he tried to get my attention. I wouldn't ignore a co-worker when they looked up and spoke to me. I wouldn't shoot a customer a dirty glare for asking me a question.
The question, there's the rub. When the question is "Spare some change, lady?" or "Got $0.50 so that I can buy a coffee?" Or, well, you get the point.
So, if I wouldn't ignore Mr. Spit or a co-worker, or a customer, and if I believe that all people are entitled to kindness and courtesy, why I am ignoring a panhandler?
Oh, I can hear the voices. But "Mrs. Spit, they are going to use the money for booze or drugs or cigarettes". Maybe. Possibly. Probably. I don't know.
But, that's not the real point. It is likely de-humanizing enough to stand on a street corner and ask people for money. I can't imagine how it must tear a person down when no one will look at you.
It's awkward to look a panhandler in the face. After all, in Western society, the way to avoid conversations is to avoid eye contact. Looking someone in the eyes is an intimate sort of thing. And really, do we want to be that, well, involved, with someone who has a negotiable relationship with hygiene, and a non-negotiable relationship with illicit substances? And what about mental illness? Some of those people are dangerous. They must be. I see them talking to themselves, I see them yelling to themselves. Paranoia, delusions.
I don't give money to panhandlers. Not, actually, because they will spend their money on booze or drugs or cigarettes. I have, in the past, spent money on all 3. I'm not sure I'm qualified to give advice on what to spend money on, and more than that, once I give something away, what right do I have to stipulate what's done with it? I don't give money to panhandlers, because when I give that money to social agencies, they can solve more problems with it. I don't give money because money doesn't solve the problem.
But, whether I give money or not, I still have this ethical dilemma. What do I do about the asking? And where the rubber meets the road, if I believe that all people have worth, and deserve dignity, how do I respond? How do I reconcile that I treat co-workers and customers and friends and family differently than a panhandler? And, perhaps more than this, does it matter?
About a year ago, I decided it did. About a year ago, I decided that I could respond to a request for money with a "Sorry, no." I could look at someone, look them in the eyes, and smile. I could say "Good Morning" when they looked up and held their cap at me. This year I decided I could carry granola bars and those cheap stretchy gloves to hand out. I could treat everyone like a person. With worth and dignity.
About a year ago, I decided that someone who was nice to their husband, and not nice to a street person, she wasn't very nice at all.
No homework this week, but I'm interested to know what you think.
I've been told that if someone is a "nice person" and treats a waiter badly, they aren't a nice person. I'm inclined to agree. When we treat others with courtesy, it's because of how we think about others. If we think that all people deserve basic courtesy and respect, we strive to treat everyone that way. Our partner, our children, our co-workers, and the retail staff we deal with. It's not about how we appear to others, or even really about the sorts of people we want to be. How we treat others is predicated on what we think the basic rights of other people are.
I would tell you that I believe that all people are worthy of dignity and respect, of courtesy. All people should be acknowledged and treated with kindness.
So, I was thinking one day, and I realized: I wouldn't dream of ignoring Mr. Spit when he tried to get my attention. I wouldn't ignore a co-worker when they looked up and spoke to me. I wouldn't shoot a customer a dirty glare for asking me a question.
The question, there's the rub. When the question is "Spare some change, lady?" or "Got $0.50 so that I can buy a coffee?" Or, well, you get the point.
So, if I wouldn't ignore Mr. Spit or a co-worker, or a customer, and if I believe that all people are entitled to kindness and courtesy, why I am ignoring a panhandler?
Oh, I can hear the voices. But "Mrs. Spit, they are going to use the money for booze or drugs or cigarettes". Maybe. Possibly. Probably. I don't know.
But, that's not the real point. It is likely de-humanizing enough to stand on a street corner and ask people for money. I can't imagine how it must tear a person down when no one will look at you.
It's awkward to look a panhandler in the face. After all, in Western society, the way to avoid conversations is to avoid eye contact. Looking someone in the eyes is an intimate sort of thing. And really, do we want to be that, well, involved, with someone who has a negotiable relationship with hygiene, and a non-negotiable relationship with illicit substances? And what about mental illness? Some of those people are dangerous. They must be. I see them talking to themselves, I see them yelling to themselves. Paranoia, delusions.
I don't give money to panhandlers. Not, actually, because they will spend their money on booze or drugs or cigarettes. I have, in the past, spent money on all 3. I'm not sure I'm qualified to give advice on what to spend money on, and more than that, once I give something away, what right do I have to stipulate what's done with it? I don't give money to panhandlers, because when I give that money to social agencies, they can solve more problems with it. I don't give money because money doesn't solve the problem.
But, whether I give money or not, I still have this ethical dilemma. What do I do about the asking? And where the rubber meets the road, if I believe that all people have worth, and deserve dignity, how do I respond? How do I reconcile that I treat co-workers and customers and friends and family differently than a panhandler? And, perhaps more than this, does it matter?
About a year ago, I decided it did. About a year ago, I decided that I could respond to a request for money with a "Sorry, no." I could look at someone, look them in the eyes, and smile. I could say "Good Morning" when they looked up and held their cap at me. This year I decided I could carry granola bars and those cheap stretchy gloves to hand out. I could treat everyone like a person. With worth and dignity.
About a year ago, I decided that someone who was nice to their husband, and not nice to a street person, she wasn't very nice at all.
No homework this week, but I'm interested to know what you think.
I'm a lady, and so are you
Alright then dear readers, you had homework. Use the comments to tell me about your guest feeding experience. Did you use any of the tips? What went well? What might you do differently?
Did I have a dinner party?
Oh, You want to hear about mine.
Umm,
really?
If I give you all $5, will you go away?
No?
Really?
So, it started out kind of badly. The guests we were supposed to be feeding prime rib had to cancel. Something about surgery. (like *that's* any kind of excuse!)
So, I was having coffee with a friend, and I thought I'd invite her to dinner. She's a close enough friend that she wouldn't mind being a replacement. I was a bit anxious about what I'd tell the blog about my dinner party. I figured I'd better have someone over. Mr. Spit and I just aren't that exciting.
Mrs. Spit feeds Mr. Spit pizza! Or nacho's. Or porkchops! And the dogs get raw ground chicken! Wow!
So, on Thursday the 22nd, I invite the friend for dinner. On the 30th.
On Monday, the 26th, I phone and mention that we didn't settle a time, could she call me?
On Tuesday, the 27th, I phone and mention that I still need a time, 7 would work for us, but let me know.
On Thursday, I'm getting a bit anxious, and I phone and say that I really do need to know what time to expect them, could she phone? If I don't hear from her, I'll assume that something has come up and she's not coming.
I'm a bit surprised, just because she's not like this, and she would never dream of being, well, this rude, and I really haven't met her new husband, and I'm looking forward to it . . .
On the morning of Friday, the 30th, I decide they aren't coming.
So, I'm standing in the kitchen, cooking up perogies and Mundare sausage. We are discussing our week. The house is tidy-ish, but certainly not company ready, and the floors are decidedly furry around the edges. It's about 7.
And there's a knock upon the door. I go and look out, and there's my friend. With her shiny new husband.
And I'm in my ratty t-shirt and old jeans, with crud on the jeans. I look down and there's a tuft of pet hair stuck to my sock.
I open the door. I usher them in. "Oh, your cell phone wasn't working. Funny that."
I see Mr. Spit open the freezer back up, pull out the rest of the sausage, and start slicing. . . .
Please, dear blog readers, tell me your event went better!
I'm a Lady and so are you. . . .
Alright then:
Your homework from the last installment of Mrs. Spit the Etiquette Freak was to tell me about your sticky situations with guests. I was going to try to answer them.
So,
Azera
Martha
Excavator
JamieD
B
Please go ahead and put up the button!
Your homework from the last installment of Mrs. Spit the Etiquette Freak was to tell me about your sticky situations with guests. I was going to try to answer them.
So,
AzeraMartha
Excavator
JamieD
B
Please go ahead and put up the button!
Now, mostly speaking, your questions revolve around what to do when people don't play by the rules.
Guests that won't leave
Sigh. I wish it was a guest. Mostly it's my mother. She won't get off the phone, and she won't leave. I was reading Dear Prudence last year, and she made the comment that the thing about terribly rude people is that they don't mind being rude. In other words, it doesn't bother them to be rude, even if it does bother the heck out of us.
So, I have learned, that when someone is being rude, you need to be, well, not rude, but far less concerned about sparing their feelings. For the guests that won't leave, or in Excavator's case, the MIL that stays to dinner, without actually staying to dinner, you need to say:
"I'm sorry, it's been a wonderful night, but it's time for me to go to bed. Let me get your coat." And then dear reader, you stand up, walk over to the coat rack and hold out their coat. Make your responses as short as possible. Yes or No. Open the door for them. Close it firmly when greater than 75% of them are out the door.
Now, I can hear you. I can hear you saying, "Mrs. Spit, that's rude." No. It's firm. You aren't calling them names, you aren't saying terrible things about them, you are reinforcing that it's your house, they have overstayed their welcome, and you need them to leave. Seems a lot less painful than grinning and bearing it.
Disaster Comes to Dinner
Martha asked about what you do when you have a disaster on your hands, right before a dinner party. Mrs. Spit knows all about this. She is, after all, a walking disaster. The answer is "grin and bear it". Tell your guests the truth, but make light of it. No one wants to feel as if they are imposing after your disaster. Minimize it. (I am assuming that your disaster is along the lines of the garbarator exploding, and not your near and dearest losing an arm). Try not to carry on about it, move on. You can complain to the internets or your spouse, or both, in the morning. There's nothing more annoying than the person who says "well, we were going to have prime rib, but the garborator exploded" all evening. Once is sufficient.
If the disaster necessitates a change in plans, because the prime rib became flaming hockey puck rib as a result of an oven (or owner!) malfunction, shrug your shoulders, cook pasta or call out for pizza. Your dinner will be memorable, if not for the reasons that you hoped!
Just Very Strange Things
And finally dear readers, when someone brings their cat to dinner, and expects to feed it off the table, that's not an etiquette issue, that's a health issue. You aren't being catty and it won't be a catastrophe if you say no.
Just Very Strange Things
And finally dear readers, when someone brings their cat to dinner, and expects to feed it off the table, that's not an etiquette issue, that's a health issue. You aren't being catty and it won't be a catastrophe if you say no.
Your Homework:
Is to invite someone to your house in the next 3 weeks. Dinner, Dessert, Tea - there must be food involved somehow. After that, it's up to you.
Report back on February 3rd!
I'm a lady and so are you. . . .
Ahh, back to the dinner party. . . .
It's here, the night of the event. What do you need to think about? Perhaps it's just me, but I walk through my house, considering each of the rooms, and then I walk through the sequence of the evening, and contemplate what I might need at each step. Here's the highlights.
The House
1. Is it clean? No really, I'm serious. Not sparkling, not eat off the floor, but it should look neat. Yes, it's perfectly permissible to pile everything in your master bedroom, and close the door. I will point out, from sad experience, at the end of the night, when you are completely exhausted, you are going to have to move all of that stuff. Struggling to deal with this, I'd take a look at this lady. I'm a fan.
2. The kitchen - look dear readers, here's my take on it. If you have an open plan house, your kitchen better look clean. Obviously there is food prep going on. But honestly, I have been seriously turned off by more than 1 12 foot high pile of dishes in the sink, and a garbage can overflowing.
3. The front entrance and hall - want to know a secret? Clean this really well, and tidy up the rest of the house, and your guests will think that you are a Martha wannabe. Seriously, inviting front entrance, people fill in the blanks in the rest of the house. Also, in the front entrance, do you have space for coats and shoes? Clear off the coat rack, clear off the shoe rack, or make your spouse responsible for taking their coats to a (clean!) bedroom.(1)
4. The bathroom. Is it clean? Under the seat too? Have you hidden away anything you might not want other's to see?
Here's the thing. Guests should never open a closed space. Never. And if you happen to see something, out in the open, or in a closed space, that, shall we say, perks your interest, YOU DON'T SAY A WORD. I mean it. Go home and tell your husband. Tell your dog. Under no circumstances do you make comments about medication left on the counter, or pregnancy tests in the waste basket, or what have you. I assure you, if they wanted to discuss it with you, they would have. Having said that, stop this horrible situation by simply looking at your bathroom as a guest would.
Provide soap, a clean hand towel (I don't want to use your possibly used bath towel, I'm picky that way), an extra roll of toilet paper, deodorizing spray, and a garbage can. No really, I can't emphasize the garbage can enough. My mother is a type one diabetic, and there is nothing that horrifies her more than to have to locate her hostess to dispose of her needles (they are safe for garbage disposal) and her testing strips. Put a garbage can in there.
4. If you aren't heading right into dinner - the room you are stuffing your guests in.
Is this room clean? Are there enough seats? Coasters for drinks? If dinner is going to be a bit, do you have some nibblies for your guests? Having nibblies can stave off rioting guests (and I guarantee Uncle Fester is more cheerful with some food in his tummy.)
If you have pets, do you have a plan for them? Any pet might get nervous with multiple people around them. They might cope best if they are in another room.
The Sequence of The Evening:
Have you thought about what is happening, and when? Walk through the evening in your mind, from the guests arriving, to seating everyone, to toasts, serving dinner, dessert, conversation afterward.
Think about each step, and what you will need. Do you have all of your place settings, do you have a place to hang coats. Do you have the centerpiece, and have you taken the buns out of the oven? (2)
Your Homework
Next Column will be on December 31, and it's all about sticky situations with guests.
Your homework is to tell me about a sticky situation(3)
***********
(1) No really, about the clean - at the end of the night, they will want to go and fetch their coat, and you will be too tired to throw yourself bodily across the door to stop. them. from. going. in. there.
(2) Not that I have ever done this and needed a fire extinguisher. Nope, not me.
(3) Because Mrs. Spit has no experience with difficult guests.
It's here, the night of the event. What do you need to think about? Perhaps it's just me, but I walk through my house, considering each of the rooms, and then I walk through the sequence of the evening, and contemplate what I might need at each step. Here's the highlights.
The House
1. Is it clean? No really, I'm serious. Not sparkling, not eat off the floor, but it should look neat. Yes, it's perfectly permissible to pile everything in your master bedroom, and close the door. I will point out, from sad experience, at the end of the night, when you are completely exhausted, you are going to have to move all of that stuff. Struggling to deal with this, I'd take a look at this lady. I'm a fan.
2. The kitchen - look dear readers, here's my take on it. If you have an open plan house, your kitchen better look clean. Obviously there is food prep going on. But honestly, I have been seriously turned off by more than 1 12 foot high pile of dishes in the sink, and a garbage can overflowing.
3. The front entrance and hall - want to know a secret? Clean this really well, and tidy up the rest of the house, and your guests will think that you are a Martha wannabe. Seriously, inviting front entrance, people fill in the blanks in the rest of the house. Also, in the front entrance, do you have space for coats and shoes? Clear off the coat rack, clear off the shoe rack, or make your spouse responsible for taking their coats to a (clean!) bedroom.(1)
4. The bathroom. Is it clean? Under the seat too? Have you hidden away anything you might not want other's to see?
Here's the thing. Guests should never open a closed space. Never. And if you happen to see something, out in the open, or in a closed space, that, shall we say, perks your interest, YOU DON'T SAY A WORD. I mean it. Go home and tell your husband. Tell your dog. Under no circumstances do you make comments about medication left on the counter, or pregnancy tests in the waste basket, or what have you. I assure you, if they wanted to discuss it with you, they would have. Having said that, stop this horrible situation by simply looking at your bathroom as a guest would.
Provide soap, a clean hand towel (I don't want to use your possibly used bath towel, I'm picky that way), an extra roll of toilet paper, deodorizing spray, and a garbage can. No really, I can't emphasize the garbage can enough. My mother is a type one diabetic, and there is nothing that horrifies her more than to have to locate her hostess to dispose of her needles (they are safe for garbage disposal) and her testing strips. Put a garbage can in there.
4. If you aren't heading right into dinner - the room you are stuffing your guests in.
Is this room clean? Are there enough seats? Coasters for drinks? If dinner is going to be a bit, do you have some nibblies for your guests? Having nibblies can stave off rioting guests (and I guarantee Uncle Fester is more cheerful with some food in his tummy.)
If you have pets, do you have a plan for them? Any pet might get nervous with multiple people around them. They might cope best if they are in another room.
The Sequence of The Evening:
Have you thought about what is happening, and when? Walk through the evening in your mind, from the guests arriving, to seating everyone, to toasts, serving dinner, dessert, conversation afterward.
Think about each step, and what you will need. Do you have all of your place settings, do you have a place to hang coats. Do you have the centerpiece, and have you taken the buns out of the oven? (2)
Your Homework
Next Column will be on December 31, and it's all about sticky situations with guests.
Your homework is to tell me about a sticky situation(3)
***********
(1) No really, about the clean - at the end of the night, they will want to go and fetch their coat, and you will be too tired to throw yourself bodily across the door to stop. them. from. going. in. there.
(2) Not that I have ever done this and needed a fire extinguisher. Nope, not me.
(3) Because Mrs. Spit has no experience with difficult guests.
Ahem
If you are going to tell people to put the blog badge up for doing their deportment homework, it is good if post the badge.
Here it is.
Mrs. Spit is a lady, and so are you (dinner party 1)
Of course there is a button. Designed by a lovely woman named Kuri. . . .
It's amazing - the best dinner party I have been to did not have the most remarkable food, nor did it occur in the most glamorous location, but was the work of a wonderful hostess.
It was from her that I learned the most important part of etiquette, the underlying principal as it were - etiquette is not about me, it is about you. Etiquette is not about making yourself feel comfortable, it is about making those around you feel welcomed and treasured. Etiquette gives us all a set of rules about how to interact with each other, not so that we can beat each other up, but so that we can live peaceably, with a minimum of ruffled feathers. It gives us some underlying guidelines about how to act, and what to expect from others; therefore, when you aren't sure what to do in a given situation, don't go running to Emily Post, but rather, spend some time thinking about the other person.
Yes, tables are set in a particular way, toasts are given in a particular way(2), we write thank you cards (3), but we do these things to make other's lives more comfortable. Etiquette, at its very core, is a noble sort of sacrifice. It's a gift you give other's.
The Planning.
The etiquette mother would like you to know that 95% of the success of any event is in its planning. Read that again, dear readers. For those of you with a journalistic bent, you could consider the 5 W's.
*****
(1) umm, unless you are a man. Yeah.
(2) and if you "clink" Mrs. Spit's Limoges crystal from her grandmother, she will harbour uncharitable thoughts in her head, and possibly use the plain glasses the next time you come over.
(3) Or not, but this is a topic for another post. In the interim, I will say that someone who cannot manage to put pen to paper for a gift can see me in hell.
(4) Lest they be the ones upending their wine.
(5) Alternatively, you could talk about the weather, sports, celebrity gossip, movies, music, children. DO NOT talk about politics and religion with Uncle Fester. Stop him dead in his tracks. Smile your sweetest smile and say "politics gives me indigestion." Repeat ad naseum. At holidays, talk about your best Christmas. At birthday's, talk about something good about the birthday person. You get the point.
(6) It pains me to say this. I despise turkey. I wish people would serve anything else. But, there you have it.
- Martha
- Jen
- JamieD
Get to put the button up. The rest of you, including Susan who wants to marry me (Mrs. Spit is thrilled to be asked, but must regretfully decline) must actually write a letter to someone for something, and report back in the comments.
Now then, Today's Lesson, The Dinner Party.It's amazing - the best dinner party I have been to did not have the most remarkable food, nor did it occur in the most glamorous location, but was the work of a wonderful hostess.
It was from her that I learned the most important part of etiquette, the underlying principal as it were - etiquette is not about me, it is about you. Etiquette is not about making yourself feel comfortable, it is about making those around you feel welcomed and treasured. Etiquette gives us all a set of rules about how to interact with each other, not so that we can beat each other up, but so that we can live peaceably, with a minimum of ruffled feathers. It gives us some underlying guidelines about how to act, and what to expect from others; therefore, when you aren't sure what to do in a given situation, don't go running to Emily Post, but rather, spend some time thinking about the other person.
Yes, tables are set in a particular way, toasts are given in a particular way(2), we write thank you cards (3), but we do these things to make other's lives more comfortable. Etiquette, at its very core, is a noble sort of sacrifice. It's a gift you give other's.
The Planning.
The etiquette mother would like you to know that 95% of the success of any event is in its planning. Read that again, dear readers. For those of you with a journalistic bent, you could consider the 5 W's.
- What - what is the scope of your event. A large gala? A small party? A holiday meal? We have all been to those meals where someone missed that it was Christmas and served day old pizza and stale beer. While this might have been perfectly acceptable at University, it palls a bit when we are grown ups. Are you doing a pot luck? What can people bring?
- Who - who is coming. Who do you plan on inviting? Take care to have a good mixture of guests. Have people who are well mannered, provide intelligent conversation, and won't upend their wine on your white carpet. Think about whether you want children, and if you do, what are you going to do to entertain them?(4). Try, whenever possible, to have an even match of men and women, and an even match of singles and couples.
- Where - where are you holding it. The facility - rented, your own home, a church basement, it does have an effect on what you can do and the number of people you invite. Mrs. Spit promises you that if you decide to invite 50 people to your 600 square foot house, Martha Stewart is not coming to build you a 1500 square foot addition. You need to cope with this dear reader.
- When - when will you be hosting it. This matters. Especially around Christmas. Think about the timing, what night of the week you are holding it, how much time you will have to prepare, what other's are doing. There is no point inviting the Queen to your dinner party on the 19th of June, she's at Ascot, and simply will not be able to attend, no matter how much it pains her to send regrets.
- Why - why are you having the dinner. Are you planning a gala? Did your best friend accept a Nobel Prize? Has your partner received a prestigious literary award?
The invitations. Sending them out in a reasonable time frame, and how you will communicate the invite. Mail? By hand? On the phone? How you send invitations conveys a sense of what the party will be like. If you wish to have them professionally printed, allow time for this.
There are a variety of ways to phrase an invitation. From the extremely formal version Mrs. Post uses, to a more casual phone invitation, inviting other's for a Superbowl party. However you wish to invite others, make sure you provide them information about when and where and whom they may bring. If the party has a purpose (a birthday, for example), should they bring a gift. The information about when and where and why are very important to guests. It dictates what style of behaviour they should use, how they should dress, and how long they should expect to be there. Clearly, what goes at the Superbowl party is not what goes at the dinner party for your Nobel Prize winning friend.
The Guests: Depending on what the purpose of your party is, will dictate your events. Unfortunately, with family, that means inviting Uncle Fester. I wish it wasn't so. Truly. I know all the off colour jokes, the abominable table manners, and the rude questions about money, jobs and children. I do. Alas, dear readers, Mrs. Spit has an Uncle Fester too.
Here are my suggestions - if Uncle Fester has a drinking problem, put one bottle of wine on the table. At the opposite end. Feign deafness when asked about alcohol.
Do not put Uncle Fester next to Aunt Myrtle. They don't like each other, they haven't liked each other since that terrible day in 1876, and this is not apt to be the Christmas that they finally reconcile. Seat them at other ends of the table. A very large table.
Don't egg Uncle Fester on. I know, it gives you a great story to tell your co-workers on boxing day, but it makes the rest of your guests contemplate burrowing through your floor with their dinner fork. If necessary, change the subject. Loudly. If they go back, remind them. "Uncle Fester, we are talking about 19th century British literature now. What do you think of the poetry of Phillip Larkin?". (5)
In all seriousness, as the host it really is your job to try and maintain control of the conversation, and prevent the rest of the guests from being embarrassed.
The Food: How much will you need? What will you serve? What dietary needs must you accommodate? Are children coming? I must tell you dear reader, the under 5 set simply does not appreciate your Fois Grasse. I'm sorry, but it's true.
Consider also the palates of your guests. Uncle Fester and his ilk do not eat truffles. And in all fairness, I consider myself adventurous. Even I quake when faced with a very large bowl of sea cucumbers. In fact, not only do I quake, I still twitch. If it's a holiday, stick to the traditional holiday foods, and throw in one interesting dish.(6)
All joking aside, you don't need to be a gourmet chef. You need to serve food that is good looking, and tastes good. There needs to be enough of it. And I cannot emphasize my final bit of advice enough. The night of your dinner party is not the time to decide to make the 376 step main dish that depends entirely on how you hold your eyebrows. Martha Stewart will not swoop down and rescue you when you muck up on step 17. Don't ask how I know this. Learn from me.
The decorations: Consider what you want. Will you have place cards (always a good idea, and facilitates separating Uncle Fester and Aunt Myrtle). What will your table centre piece be? (Not so large that your guests are peering one-eyed through greenery). Do you decorations allow guests room to move through the area to sit at the table?
Your Serving Accouterments: Do you have enough place settings? Silver ware? Wine glasses (remember, you don't need one for Uncle Fester). Do you have a platter for the turkey? A gravy boat? Enough spoons and forks for serving side dishes? Enough trivets (hot plates) for dishes. A nice pitcher for water? Enough coffee cups and dessert plates?
That's it for today. Here's what's planned. And why yes, you can ask questions. I'll handle them in the sticky situations section.
Week 2: The night of the event
Week 3: Sticky situations with guests
Week 4: Your responsibilities as a host
Week 5: Your responsibilities as a guest
*****
(1) umm, unless you are a man. Yeah.
(2) and if you "clink" Mrs. Spit's Limoges crystal from her grandmother, she will harbour uncharitable thoughts in her head, and possibly use the plain glasses the next time you come over.
(3) Or not, but this is a topic for another post. In the interim, I will say that someone who cannot manage to put pen to paper for a gift can see me in hell.
(4) Lest they be the ones upending their wine.
(5) Alternatively, you could talk about the weather, sports, celebrity gossip, movies, music, children. DO NOT talk about politics and religion with Uncle Fester. Stop him dead in his tracks. Smile your sweetest smile and say "politics gives me indigestion." Repeat ad naseum. At holidays, talk about your best Christmas. At birthday's, talk about something good about the birthday person. You get the point.
(6) It pains me to say this. I despise turkey. I wish people would serve anything else. But, there you have it.
I'm a Lady and So Are You
Dear Readers:
The time has come for us to talk of etiquette. I had one reader who wished to know how to avoid pouring gravy down her uncle's shirt, and one reader who wished to know how to apologize. I wonder if they are related? Readers, I assure you, that while a lady may need to apologize, she does not need to apologize for pouring gravy down a house guest's shirt. It simply isn't done.
A well bred woman always maintains a stock of stationary. At minimum you should have note paper, note cards and envelopes to fit. Mrs. Spit is fortunate to posses monogrammed stationary, but this is not a requirement. You should also have a blue or black pen to write cards and letters. It need not be said, a lady does not use pencils, or ink of a violent hue to write her correspondence. As to the design of the cards and papers, I will leave that up to you, but will point out that the design should not induce dizziness on the part of the recipient, and condolence cards and letters should always be as plain as possible.
A note about form - for heaven's sake, spell things correctly. Mis-spellings and gramitical mistakes are sweet from a five year old, and simply obnoxious from a 25 year old. Letters always take the form below.
Why yes, your children should absolutely send thank-you cards. If they are not old enough to hold a writing implement, you write the card. If they are old enough to hold a crayon, you write the card and they draw a picture. If they are old enough to be at school, they are old enough to write their own correspondence. I promise, if Aunty Spit receives a drawing or a letter with mis-spellings from a wee one, she will only smile.
For A Gift:
The time has come for us to talk of etiquette. I had one reader who wished to know how to avoid pouring gravy down her uncle's shirt, and one reader who wished to know how to apologize. I wonder if they are related? Readers, I assure you, that while a lady may need to apologize, she does not need to apologize for pouring gravy down a house guest's shirt. It simply isn't done.
But, all of this leads me to the subject for today: Correspondence.
A well bred woman always maintains a stock of stationary. At minimum you should have note paper, note cards and envelopes to fit. Mrs. Spit is fortunate to posses monogrammed stationary, but this is not a requirement. You should also have a blue or black pen to write cards and letters. It need not be said, a lady does not use pencils, or ink of a violent hue to write her correspondence. As to the design of the cards and papers, I will leave that up to you, but will point out that the design should not induce dizziness on the part of the recipient, and condolence cards and letters should always be as plain as possible.
A note about form - for heaven's sake, spell things correctly. Mis-spellings and gramitical mistakes are sweet from a five year old, and simply obnoxious from a 25 year old. Letters always take the form below.
November 26, 2008
Dear Ms. Lady (Or Dear First Name for a friend)
Body of letter.
Yours truly or Sincerely. Never Regards.
Mrs. Spit
Why yes, your children should absolutely send thank-you cards. If they are not old enough to hold a writing implement, you write the card. If they are old enough to hold a crayon, you write the card and they draw a picture. If they are old enough to be at school, they are old enough to write their own correspondence. I promise, if Aunty Spit receives a drawing or a letter with mis-spellings from a wee one, she will only smile.
For A Gift:
- In the words of the famous and immortal Etiquette Grrls, you get a gift, you send a card. Always. This goes for birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, because it's Tuesday gifts, friendship gifts, good-bye gifts, baby gifts, wedding gifts, any gift. Let me repeat that again. You get a gift, you send a thank-you card, within 6 weeks.
Dear Elizabeth:
I cannot say thank-you enough for the amazing gift that you sent me. It was wonderful that you thought of me, and I cannot tell you how surprised I was that you sent me the Hope Diamond. Really, your care and concern knows no bounds. It resides in a very special place in my home, and I shall treasure it always.
Sincerely, Mrs. Spit.
For a meal, hospitality, or a kindness done:
- If someone feeds you dinner, you write what is called a bread and butter letter. It is simply a letter thanking the person for the time they spent preparing for the meal, and preparing for your visit. It is an acknowledgement that they provided you hospitality, and you appreciated it.
- It is always appropriate to mention a particularly memorable event or dish, as long as they do not bring up negative memories. We would not, for instance, bring to mind the flaming roast beef, or the car accident on the way to the museum.
- Finally, a very important note. Writing a bread and butter letter does not absolve you from bringing a hostess gift. You do that as well.
- If you are writing a letter for a kindness done - someone who attended a funeral of a family member, or who assisted you with a task, you highlight the task, and simply thank them for their kindness.
Dear Kelly:
Thank you so much for your kindness and hospitality in holding a congratulatory dinner party for me, as a result of my Nobel Prize. As always, your food is incredible, your hosting skills are impeccable, and your home, lovely. I shall treasure the words in that remarkable toast for always, and my mouth is still watering from the delicious roast beef. You truly are amazing.
Sincerely, Mrs. Spit
A Congratulatory Letter
- We use these when someone achieves a great thing, is to be married, had a baby, graduated from schooling, won an award, received a promotion and the like.
- The letter simply reflects that the person has put in hard work to get where they are, and we wish to celebrate in their good fortune.
- Where you are congratulating a recently engaged couple, it is important to point out that we never, ever congratulate the bride or the bride to be. It is the very height of rudeness to suggest that we are congratulating her on her ability to "catch" a man. Rather, we congratulate the man, who is fortunate that such a wonderful woman has consented to be his wife, and we wish a woman every happiness.
Dear Sally:
Really, it seems just yesterday that you started grade school and I was baby sitting you, and here you are, graduating high school. Your mother tells me that you will attend my Alma Mater, Wonderful University in the fall - I'm so pleased, I have such fond memories, and if the cafeteria still serves them, do try the cinnamon buns.
We want to send you every congratulation in the world, you have worked hard, and you deserve every good thing.
Sincerely, Mr and Mrs Spit.
A letter of Condolence:
- These dear readers, must be the hardest letters to send. They are not a few scrawled words written on the back of a sympathy card, but instead, a heartfelt reflection of your sorrow at the tragedy in an other's life. I remember these from after Gabriel died, and I remember how much comfort they brought me.
- You may chose to send a letter by itself, or tucked in a standard sympathy card.
- A word to the warning, be very cautious about sending religious type cards, where you don't know the religious background. Nothing is more offensive than religious sentiment to those who are not religious.
- It is always important that a condolence letter be written as plainly and simply as possible, and not include any ridiculous platitudes. They will not help the bereaved feel any better.
- It is always appropriate that you recall a particular memory about the person, or the way in which they affected your life. I am sure that it need not be said - we do not mention old arguments or unhappy memories.
- Even if you know the bereaved well, and you have spoken to them, still write a letter. The memories you share and the happy thoughts will bring them comfort.
Dear Mr. Smith:
I heard with such sadness the announcement of your wife's untimely passing. Please accept my sincere and heartfelt condolences for your loss.
I worked with Judy at White Guys with Blue Ties, Inc, and it was such a pleasure. She was so knowledgeable and helpful, and she will be missed. I remember especially how she liked to make accounting jokes, and in doing so brightened up otherwise boring meetings. I will think about her and miss her jokes.
With sympathy, Mrs. Spit
The Letter of Apology
- There are only four instances in which it is permissible to send a letter of apology - Where the slight was minor, where the person is simply so angry that they will not speak to you, but you wish to apologize anyway, and where it would cause more of a commotion to apologize in public, or where you are sending a replacement item for something that was broken.
- In all other cases, you must apologize in person.
- Very often, when we are writing a letter of apology, there is a desire to explain why we have done or said what we did. (In essence, we say "I'm sorry, but. . . )
- DO NOT do this. If something is worth apologizing for, it is worth apologizing for. There is little point in trying to explain away part of your guilt. Apologize and be done with it.
- Alternatively, often we apologize for things we have no business apologizing. If you are apologizing to "smooth things over", ask yourself if this is really appropriate.
- I cannot give you the form for a letter where someone is simply too angry to speak to you. In all likelihood, the issue will be serious and difficult. I can only say to be genuine, to be direct, and to seriously consider what you want to say. Ugly words said in haste or anger cannot be quickly resolved.
Form 1: Where the slight was minor (including replacement)
Dear Mrs. Neighbour:
I wish to extend my apologies for breaking your window while playing baseball. I recognize that we were indeed very careless in our play, and understand that the broken window must have caused you considerable inconvenience. My mother and I would like to come over to your house to arrange repayment for the damages. Would tonight at 7 p.m. suit?
Your servant, Badly behaved neighbour child
Form 2: Where it would have been more of an commotion to apologize at the time
Dear Sarah:
Please accept our sincere apologies for our lateness to dinner yesterday. We must have been a terrible inconvenience and caused you significant consternation as you tried to serve dinner in a timely fashion. Our lateness was inexcusably rude, and we are sorry that it occurred.
Sincerely, Tardy Friend.
A few notes about above. If you are more than 10 minutes late, send an apology. When you do arrive at the dinner, slide into your chair, perhaps demurring and saying "traffic". I assure you, the rest of the world does not want to hear about a car that wouldn't start, a child that wouldn't behave and the like. You have already made enough of a spectacle of yourself, and it does not do to draw even more attention to yourself.
If you are going to be more than 5 or 10 minutes late, it is incumbent upon you to call ahead and offer to either step back from the invitation, or repeatedly assure your host that they may begin serving the meal, and you will eat whatever left overs survive. If you are the guest of honour, nothing short of chaos and death should permit tardiness.
Your Homework:
Of course there is homework. Sit down and write a card or letter to someone. You could send a thank you to a friend for being a really wonderful friend. Perhaps you have a condolence note or a congratulations letter to write.
The Rules:
You must obey the form rules at the top, and you must mail or hand deliver it. Absolutely no e-mail.
Let me know what you have done, and why and next week I'll give you a shiny lovely button.
